Things That Should Not Be: Bros

"Your not my bro

Don't say it

Don't you pretend that you're my bro"

-Goldfinger

Hello friends, Devin again. After the overwhelmingly positive response I received after the Mustache rant, I decided to continue the trail of rage. You see, I like a lot of things and I hate a few things, but one of the things I hate is Bros.

Before I get hate mail from 50% of the human race, I must clarify. There is a distinction that must be made. I am not taking about Brothers; Brothas; or the city of Brothers, Oregon. I am talking white-hat wearing, Natty Ice swilling, roofies slipping, venereal disease spreading Bros (pronounced "broze"). For the uninformed, Bros are:

"Obnoxious partying [white] males who are often seen at college parties. When they aren’t making an a** of themselves they usually just stand around holding a red plastic cup waiting for something exciting to happen so they can scream something that demonstrates how much they enjoy partying. Nearly everyone in a fraternity is a bro but there are also many bros who are not in a fraternity. They often wear a rugby shirt and a baseball cap. It is not uncommon for them to have spiked hair with frosted tips. Bros actually chose this name for themselves as they often refer to each other as "bro" even though they are not related. " (Urbandictionary.com)

Bros can be easily identified by sporting one of the following:

-The angled cap

-Cheap Beer

-Bleached tipped hair

-Puke

-Nearby Floozies

and the uniform of inebriated bros everywhere,

-No shirt.

Now you might be thinking, "Devin, I got drunk and had promiscuous relations in college, but I'm not a bro am I?" Yes, you are. Secondly, a Bro unknowingly emits a sort of douchey musk or pheremone or whatever you want to call it that attracts unintelligent drunk girls.


If you meet the previous requirements and were surrounded by these girls in college, hate to say it, you were probably a bro. I Gar-an-tee!

To avoid and eradicate these foes, you must unfortunately become aware of their terminology.

"Bro"- the co-opted phrase that started the terror. Before they stole the phrase, Bros were just known as jerks.

"Brah" a derivation of the original term, not endearing, exceedingly douche-y.

"Broseph" this phrase was cooked up after a long night of binge drinking and statutory rape.

"Woooooooooooo!!" translates to english as "Gee Fellas, this party sure is enjoyable, the beverages are at both the optimum temperature and alcholic content, and those ladies are most attractive. Perhaps they will remove clothing in exchange for inexpensive bead necklaces" (Now that I think about it, Mardi Gras is the modern version of the Indians getting screwed out of Manhattan.)

but the worst phrase of them all is . . . "supbrah"

Whenever I am at work and some tool greets me with a "Supbrah." I have to exercise an excessive amount of self control to keep from reaching into his chest and ripping out his heart a la "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"

I had far too many conversations with bros that all went something like this:

Devin: Hey how's it going?

Bro: Supbrah.

Devin: ...

Bro: So, whatcha got for the weekend?(does not wait for answer) I got this party at my boy Mitchell's house, we're gonna have like two kegs. It's gonna be sweet. Prolly (sic) gonna have some chicks there from the (insert a sorority's Greek letters). You should totally come by. We're all going to get trashed bro.

Devin: ...

In a perfect world, I would disembowel this bro as an act of mercy to him and the moronic legions of bimbos he will undoubtedly impregnate, but realistically he will probably inherit a steady middle-management job at his father's company and die forty years later from liver failure (Natural Ice, you sly devil you.) and a stress-induced aneurysm from a combination of being unqualified for his job and the child support he is paying from knocking up a sorority girl all those years back.

If "Broseph" does not mention a party he is going to, he will undoubtedly mention the Bro-messiah, Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews probably deserves a post of his own. I have hated Dave Matthews since before I knew what a Bro was, but with their powers combined we, America, don't stand a chance. Dave Matthews provides the Bro with all the things he needs to sustain his Bro-hood: Laid back attitude, inane music, and an environment conducive to hookups. I will address things things in turn.

Dave Matthews does not feel obliged to follow the rules of the Circle Game

1. Laid back attitude- Dave Matthews doesn't wear shoes. This example coupled with the Bros proclivity for not wearing a shirt means a lot of unnecessary Bro nudity.

2. Inane music- His music sucks

3. Enviroment Conducive to Hookups- For as much as bros love Dave (and they only call him Dave, as in "Hey bro, you goin' to see Dave this October?", as though they are on a first name basis with a guy whose income exceeds the GDP of certain sovereign nations), the ladies love him more. Drunk ladies love him even more. Few things will get a woman in the sack faster than hearing this swooning crooner. Dave Matthews is a new form of roofies. Dave Matthews must be stopped.

Stop Dave Matthews and you will cripple the Bros. But they are a resilient breed. They will find a way to eke out a perverse existence. Bros have been a source of destruction for years. When our Lord was scourging the Pharaoh and his lot, he stopped one plague short of total destruction: The infestation of Bros. Sure, the Egyptians could take rivers of blood and fleas in their bed (and to a lesser extent, the loss of their firstborn sons), but do you think they would have chased the chosen children in chariots if they would have had to endure millions of drunk college guys with collars popped, hi-fiving and pledging Beta Kappa Phi at the University of Thebes? It almost goes without saying that the Pharaoh would crack after one semester of being greeted with "Hey Bro!" and "Hey Broseph" and, eventually, "Hey Broseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat!" But the Egyptians were God's children too and there are punishments worse than death, so he spared them the horror.

As with mustaches, there are counterexamples to the bro policy.

Exception 1. Super Mario Bros.

Even then it's an abbreviation pronounced "Brothers"

Exception 2. A man may address another man as "Bro"/"Brah" IFF he is a native Hawaiian in Hawaii at, or in transit to (but never from), the beach for surfing or luau purposes.

If you are not roasting a pig on a spit on Oahu, you can't call me Bro.