Things That Should Not Be: Mustaches

Hi there, Devin here. Today on the Laura show, I present to you a new segment called, "Things That Should Not Be". This segment will document some of the more major atrocities in the world today. Let us begin.

I like a lot of things and I hate a few things, but one of the things I hate is mustaches.

Now as one who cannot grow any discernible facial hair, I may be perceived as a bit jealous. "Devin," you might say, "as a perpetual preteen, you must surely long for the feel of a gentlemanly stache resting on your lip." but most assuredly, you would be mistaken. Now don't get me wrong. I give my approval to any other facial hair, whether it be: The Grizzly Adams, the Abe Lincoln, the IT guy goatee, the soul patch, and even the dreaded neck beard; but I can hardly rest easy in a world wear a man can walk around sporting this monstrosity.

That's right, feel the collective shudder of a thousand years of bristly kisses, and centuries of tobacco juice caught in the stubble. You might have thought that the abomination of pitchers and porn stars went out with the homocide of J.R. Ewing or the decline of Hulk Hogan, but this subtle menace still continues to haunt America.

What I intend to prove to you, ladies and gentleman of the jury, is that frequency of a man sporting a 'stache is directly proportional to the probability of him being a creep.

Exhibit A: The Brawny Man

Brawny Man. The ladies love him. He'll come into your home and spruce the place up. Maybe he'll sop up that spilled grape juice in the dining room. Perhaps he will clean up the dust off your hardwood floors. Maybe he will put on John Tesh's greatest hits, light a few candles and SEDUCE YOUR WIFE! Every year, 40,000 American wives are spirited away by Brawny Man. It's not too late to save your marriage. Look for the warning signs: rugged good looks; denim shirt; and most of all, the molester stache. Dude can't even dye it the same color as his hair. He may be after your wife soon! Warn your spouse about the dangers of Brawny Man.

Exhibit B: Wilford Brimley


"Now Devin, Honestly?" you might say, "Wilford Brimley is a national treasure, how can you put him in the same category as Brawny Man?" Apparently quite easily. Sure this man brought us quaker oats, and helped us rid the nation of the scourge of "diabeetus", but there is a tails-side to every coin and a dark side to this grandfatherly old fellow. Did you know that Wilford Brimley (or as his german birth certificate reads 'Wilheil Brimhaut') served on the side of the Germans in World Wars I and II and refers to the American Civil War as "The War of Northern Aggression"?* Did you know he hasn't paid taxes for the last 42 years due to a glitch in the IRS computer systems** Did you know that he doesn't have 'diabeetus' at all, and in fact puts smashed up Reese's Pieces into the medicine bottles of local nursing home residents?*

*may not actually be true
**may have been stolen from the plot of "Office Space"

Yes folks, behind that down-home, folksy charm rests the violent heart of a deranged psychopath,



Or maybe a walrus.


Exhibit C: Adolph Hitler


Now Hitler was obviously going to be on here. He was "an ignorant f***head" as Eddie Izzard put it. His crimes go without saying. I can't in good conscience say that the mustache was worse than genocide, or conquest, or torture, but it definitely is on the list. Also, thanks to him, Charlie Chaplin hasn't been able to get decent service at any restaurant since about 1939.

Exhibit D: Burt Reynolds

What a turd. (pun intended)

These four men are infamous for many reasons: adultery, tax evasion*, murder and banditry but the thread that pulls them together is the mustache. These are not the only offenders. Other men who have disgraced the male visage include:

• TV personality John Stossell
• Dr. Phil
• Snidely Whiplash
• Children's icon Captain Kangaroo
• And numbnuts extraordinaire Geraldo Rivera.
  

Thus we see, having a mustache is directly proportional to the probability of a man being a creep.

Now, we live in a world full of exceptions and counter-examples and it would not be fair to say that every mustache is sinful. Out of the millions of mustaches in the world, there are 3 exceptions.

Jon Waters- Never before has a man been so simultaneously classy and trashy. The shame of a mustache is negated by the genius of his tackiness.

Neil Jones- What man can say aught against Neil Jones?

and the Reigning Champeen... Tom Selleck.

This is the only man on earth who loses something as a person when he loses the soup strainer. I submit that he loses a big part of himself when he shaves, nay, we lose part of ourselves as a nation. While I would shout myself bloody and hoarse for Dr. Phil to lose the 'stache, I would kill any man who came within ten feet of Tom Selleck with a Bic Disposable.

That being said, Dr. Phil, Lose the 'stache you perv.